I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
