I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
