I want to make a zoo with you.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
