my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
