So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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