you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
