My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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