Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need a beard to bite.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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