you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
