at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
