Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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