was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
