please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
