I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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