i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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