You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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