I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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