I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize