You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
