Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
