Betty ford says i'm here all night
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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