i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
