Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
