well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize