if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
