Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize