omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
