I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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