i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
