It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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