Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
