A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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