I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
