M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
