I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
