everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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