I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize