im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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