I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
