i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
