just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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