He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
