i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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