probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
