I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
