god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
