well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
