the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Randomize
