it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
