I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
