i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
