I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
