the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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