I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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