Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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