Little spoons don't ask big questions
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
