oh fat girl friday strikes again...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
