I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
